Anger Issues

Dear Rachel,

Looking back at my previous post, I suppose I have what psychologists would refer to as “unresolved anger issues.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that they’d be correct. I am definitely angry. In fact, this whole grieving thing seems to be made up of equal parts anger, sorrow, pain, and guilt. And I suspect that this is normal, that most people in my position feel this way.

But the anger outweighs everything else, at least some of the time. When the sorrow gets to be too much, when the pain is more than I can bear, the anger takes over: Instead of being incapacitated by the sorrow, instead of being consumed by guilt, I focus on my hatred.

That’s a terrible (and perhaps unproductive) thing on which to focus, but I suppose that there’s a way in which it’s better than the alternative. At least I have an avenue for my emotions, a focus for my anger. I know who killed you. I can hate him with no trouble at all—I, who’ve never before hated anyone, really—and perhaps that’s better than blaming the whole world, or God, or having no one at all to blame. Your death was not due to illness, or a flood, or a freak accident. It was not just “one of those things” that sometimes happens for no apparent reason and for which no one is at fault. There is fault here, there is someone to blame.

So, yes, I have unresolved anger issues. I don’t see any way to resolve them, really, nor am I sure that I want to. I figure that I’m entitled to them.

Love,

Dad