Me & God: A Failed Relationship
Dear Rachel.
I truly envy people of faith, and by that I mean a belief in anything. Whether it’s faith in God, in a plan of some kind, or a more secular belief in the so-called “goodness of man,” I envy someone who can see a plan, a pattern, some causality in all of this.
I was always an agnostic of sorts; I figured that knowing God—or even knowing that He existed—was pretty much beyond me. I would live my life as best I could, I figured, and let others argue about God’s existence. If He exists, fine, I’d like to think I’ve done my part. And if He didn’t exist, well, there’d certainly be nothing wrong—and perhaps very much that’s right—in still attempting to live a good life, do “the right thing” as much and as often as I could.
But that sort of outlook has to at least admit the possibility of the existence of God, the likelihood—however slim—that there’s a reason for everything that happens. It presumes that the universe might proceed according to some sort of plan. It imposes on the world a rational structure of some sort.
I can no longer presume that this is the case, or even that it might be the case. Whatever tattered faith I might have once had has now been completely ripped away. If God does exist, He and I are no longer on speaking terms.
Ironically, you did have a faith. I gathered that it wasn’t particularly strong, but you did attend a church on a fairly regular basis. It might even have been more of a social thing than anything else, but I know that you believed in God, and occasionally worshipped Him in the prescribed manner.
I know many people who have a strong faith, and I envy them so much, especially now; I’d like to believe that there is a God, a plan, an afterlife. I would willingly suffer in hell if I knew that you were safe and loved in heaven.
But I don’t—can't—believe that there's a reason for everything, so I’m not sure what to do or how to resolve the anger that I feel. Perhaps the only right thing to do is to determine that, even though God doesn’t exist, we must live our lives as if He did.
Love,
Dad
I truly envy people of faith, and by that I mean a belief in anything. Whether it’s faith in God, in a plan of some kind, or a more secular belief in the so-called “goodness of man,” I envy someone who can see a plan, a pattern, some causality in all of this.
I was always an agnostic of sorts; I figured that knowing God—or even knowing that He existed—was pretty much beyond me. I would live my life as best I could, I figured, and let others argue about God’s existence. If He exists, fine, I’d like to think I’ve done my part. And if He didn’t exist, well, there’d certainly be nothing wrong—and perhaps very much that’s right—in still attempting to live a good life, do “the right thing” as much and as often as I could.
But that sort of outlook has to at least admit the possibility of the existence of God, the likelihood—however slim—that there’s a reason for everything that happens. It presumes that the universe might proceed according to some sort of plan. It imposes on the world a rational structure of some sort.
I can no longer presume that this is the case, or even that it might be the case. Whatever tattered faith I might have once had has now been completely ripped away. If God does exist, He and I are no longer on speaking terms.
Ironically, you did have a faith. I gathered that it wasn’t particularly strong, but you did attend a church on a fairly regular basis. It might even have been more of a social thing than anything else, but I know that you believed in God, and occasionally worshipped Him in the prescribed manner.
I know many people who have a strong faith, and I envy them so much, especially now; I’d like to believe that there is a God, a plan, an afterlife. I would willingly suffer in hell if I knew that you were safe and loved in heaven.
But I don’t—can't—believe that there's a reason for everything, so I’m not sure what to do or how to resolve the anger that I feel. Perhaps the only right thing to do is to determine that, even though God doesn’t exist, we must live our lives as if He did.
Love,
Dad
posted by Rod at 12:46 PM
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